


stay present (because i need you with me)

by softswans



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Angst, Confessions of love, F/M, Fluff, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Realisation of feelings, see theyre both in love with each other but like, the other one doesnt know it, these idiots are so ass backwards in love they cant even see it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-07 12:09:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15218867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softswans/pseuds/softswans
Summary: "She has no idea what to do.She’s just laid herself bare for him, told him in no uncertain terms she’s in love with him, and has been in just about every way possible at just about every stage possible of her life."they both love each other. it's the making sure the other one knows part that they're having trouble with.





	1. the difficulty in honesty

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first multichap so i'm very nervous about posting this & sharing this story, but the support & love i received after posting the laundry platonics made me want to keep writing & keep challenging myself to create, so here we are. i have the plot mapped out in my head, and an outline for the next few chapters. this will probably end up being maybe three or four chapters long, with an epilogue bcos im a sappy softie.
> 
> massive thanks to my g carol for all her help with this. i love you and am so grateful for all your help & fic support <3
> 
> enjoy!

 

She’s going to tell him, Tessa’s decided. Well, not decided, exactly. More like she’s carefully, with the help of Jordan and too many late night chats while on tour with Kaitlyn, weighed up the possible pros (being with Scott, getting to kiss him everyday, having him off the ice, getting to call him  _ hers  _ off the ice, lifelong happiness?) and the cons (Scott not feeling the same way, the possible destruction of their relationship, only seeing him when absolutely necessary in the future because she’s thrown things off by such a large margin that their dynamic will just  _ shift  _ into something that hints of the vast expanse that followed Sochi.) of telling him she loves him. All things considered, even with the considerably negative list she’d titled ‘Cons to telling Scott Moir how I feel,’ all neatly lettered and organised carefully by least to most possible, the lure of finally being able to just  _ act  _ on how she feels is too sweet, too tempting.

 

Thing is though, as helpful as Virtue women and her friends are, nobody was so accomodating as to help her figure out just how she would tell him. Maybe she could write it down, she imagines that might bring a sense of authenticity to it. Everything she thinks to write seems to fall short, though. Nothing really manages to capture the depth of her emotions. How is she supposed to go about this?

 

_ Dear Scott,  _

_ You’re amazing and I love you. _

 

Short and to the point? Tessa shakes her head at herself, inwardly sighing as she images Scott’s reaction. If she’s going to write it, she might as well put her heart behind it. After all, isn’t that what’s on the line here? She tries again.

 

_ Scott, _

_ I don’t know how much you’re going to enjoy reading this. I know your ego definitely will benefit. On the other hand, that’s not exactly what I’m trying to appeal to here. I wish I had the courage to say this to you in person, not have you read it. But hey, handwritten notes are romantic, eh? That’s kinda the vibe I’m going for here, I suppose. So, yeah. That’s a start. _

 

_ I know we’ve covered this in therapy, and countless times in the press and through the media, but it truly has been the honour of my life to skate with you. You’re the perfect partner, and I can’t thank you enough for the journey we’ve been on together. You’ve shown me what it’s like to embrace the feeling of a win, the thrill of being at your best, and together, I think we’ve taught each other how to embrace challenges, and how to beat them. This, I think, might just be my biggest challenge yet. Maybe not physically, but you deserve the truth, we’ve always promised each other honesty, above anything else. _

 

_ And no matter what happens, or where we end up, know that we’ll always have that. That won’t change. _

 

_ I love you, Scott. I’m in love with you. Honestly, this might not even be a revelation to you, but God, it certainly was for me. I think I maybe always have been, in one way or another. If I’ve been painfully obvious and this letter is redundant then feel free to stop reading here. Honestly. I won’t go all Rachel from FRIENDS on you. Promise. _

 

_ I don’t know if you feel anything of a similar vein. Obviously, I know you love me, and I’m so thankful to have that from you in my life. To be loved, especially by you is a privilege I don’t regard lightly. I don’t think I ever could. _

 

_ But you should know. And now you do.  _

 

_ Yours, Tessa. _

 

Maybe not. A bit long winded, perhaps. And the ‘yours, Tessa’ is maybe a tad too assuming.

 

_ Love, Tessa? _

 

No. Not a good fit, she decides. Who even writes handwritten letters these days, anyways. Sure, it’s romantic, and reminds her of couples in heartbreakingly romantic films, but is it really Tessa and Scott? She shakes her head again, rolling her eyes at herself. How do normal people do this? Is she supposed to just blurt it all out? Buy him a coffee one day and let herself word vomit her feelings to him? Tessa sighs, wondering if maybe she could just present him with one of her pro-con lists and let him make his own educated decision on the matter. But then again, that’s not really how things like this work. Or so she’s been told.

 

Most people date first. Spend time together and then the falling in love bit happens after. 

 

Her and Scott aren’t most people, though.

 

Most people don’t grow up hand in hand, or spend over twenty years getting to know each other, molding and fitting their personalities together in ways that seem to balance the other out, without ever completely tipping the scales. Most people don’t have 5 Olympic medals and countless shared achievements under their belt either. So, yeah. Maybe the most people route isn’t going to be the avenue for success in this particular venture.

 

And it’s not that she just wants to date him. She wants  _ him.  _ In the forever kind of way. She wants to be able to tell him she loves him, wants to be able to wake up next to him and be the one to make him smile. In a perfect world, she thinks, they would grow old together, just as they grew up together. They’d argue over what colour their nursery should be. Debate possible names for their first dog. Kiss over lukewarm coffees during morning sessions at the rink. Reserve their Sunday mornings for time spent in bed together and then go to the local market in the afternoon. Go to family dinners,  _ together,  _ as a couple. Celebrate Christmas in each other’s arms. Ring in the New Year with the promise of what’s to come. 

 

Huh. Maybe she should just tell him that.

 

* * *

 

Tessa has spent hours deliberating at this stage. From the moment it hit her on a remarkably nondescript Tuesday, she’d spiralled between the urge to tell him, and to push it down, down, down, and ignore it until it went away. She can’t seem to stop thinking about it, though. How much she  _ loves _ him. It’s almost become a permanent fixture in her mind, to the point where she wonders if he’s picked up on it and just hasn’t said anything out of respect for her and her misguided feelings.

 

She wants to stomp her feet in annoyance. It shouldn’t be this  _ difficult.  _ Fuck Scott Moir for making her fall in love with him anyways. And fuck him too for making it so she couldn’t fall back out of love with his stupid self like she had so many times during their youth. Never completely, though.

 

But mostly, fuck Scott Moir.

 

That’s the ideal outcome, anyways.

 


	2. occupy my heart and soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tessa virtue and the case terrible, horrible, no good, very bad case of feelings she's harboring for scott moir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter took forever to come about. i've had it half finished for ages but with work and my parents visiting i just haven't gotten around to finishing it to a point where i was happy to share it with people. carol (@anakinleias) and rebecca (@gracesvirtue) were absolute godsends when it came to helping me with this chapter, in regards titling, editing & beta-ing and i am so grateful for you both <3333
> 
> i'm posting this just as i leave for work so this probably has a few spelling errors which i'll come back and fix lol

Here’s the thing. Ever since Tessa had made the decision to (eventually) tell Scott she was in love with him (and had been for a significant period of time), every subsequent interaction with him had been thrown off kilter. She’d lost her place in conversations because she was too busy wondering if she should tell him now. All too often she would be pulled from her thoughts by Scott, eyes inquiring and soft, asking her if she was alright, was there something on her mind. Every time, she almost wants to just scream, “Yes, actually,”, but she keeps it to herself, like a secret, eating away at her.

 

In the end, it all comes to an explosive head on a nondescript tuesday afternoon at the rink. She’d been quiet all morning, not a deviation from their usual, but her somber mood followed them as the morning bled into warm lunchtime radio music and peppy juniors taking advantage of ice time. She hadn’t caught a cue for a new element they were trying to integrate into a routine for tour, all showy and lots of hands. She’s not sure it’s even entirely PG, if she’s being honest. When Scott nods to attempt it again, without any of the hot tempered frustration she’d become so familiar with in their younger days, she’s struck again by how much they’ve changed, almost evolved perfectly to match one another. She finds she’s overwhelmed all too quickly by how much she  _ loves  _ him, all over again, and she sucks in a gasp involuntarily. She reaches an arm out towards him to steady herself, and she almost tells him there and then, but it’s not the time yet. Not now.

 

He takes her hand the way he always has, moving on instinct rather than anything else. His grip is warm and comforting, having shed his gloves not too long ago. Just the simple touch of his hand in hers brings her a strange sense of calm, and she forces herself to take a breath, rolling her shoulders in a hope to dispel some of the tension that’s settled there. He brings a hand up to where her shoulder meets her neck, effectively cutting off the routine they’d been practising, and his voice is so soft when he speaks that she feels her chest fill with a warmth that contrasts the chill of the arena they’re in.

 

“Where are you today, T?” He asks her, and she closes her eyes for a moment because they both know today isn’t the problem. It’s maybe the third time this week she’s drifted away from him on the ice, found herself absent. When they’re just eating dinner, or driving together it’s not so notable when she zones out, Scott knows she needs time to herself sometimes and doesn’t ever, wouldn’t ever try to push her. But on the ice, in a routine, is completely out of character for her and they both know it. 

 

She shrugs, wondering if he’ll buy her excuse of tiredness. He doesn’t. He’s always known her too well for that.

 

“Come on, Tess. I know something's up. You’ve been off for days, what happened?”

 

“Scott,” her voice is a quiet warning, begging him to stop. Her heart is thumping in her chest, pulse thundering and she feels her lungs constricting in her chest. Not now, she pleads internally, not when she hasn’t planned this, hasn’t figured out what to say to him or prepared herself for his reaction.

 

The hand on her shoulder shifts as he raises a brow, silently asking her to tell him the truth and she feels his thumb caress along her jaw, his touch so light she could almost pretend she was imagining it. And that, as it turns out, is the Make Tessa Virtue Spill her Deepest Darkest Secret button, because she’s not even fully aware of it, but she’s talking now.

 

She doesn’t even mean to open her mouth, doesn’t even consider her words but her voice catches when she speaks, all fast words and rushed syllables.

 

“Scott, I’m so in love with you I don’t know what to do,”

 

Turns out her mouth does, though. Now that she’s started talking, the words come tumbling out, flowing together in ways that probably don’t even make sense, excerpts from her “Pros to telling Scott” list, the letters she’d written in her mind meshing together to create a patchwork of unbridled and unrestrained love that seems to just spill from her.

 

“It’s like a switch just... flipped, you know?” She breathes, not even seeing his shellshocked expression through her own mindless panic. She’s tripping over her words in her haste to get them out of her system after holding them close to her heart for so long.

 

And it’s funny, almost. In all her internal debates, in each scenario she’d imagined where she’d been truthful with Scott and told him honestly how she felt, they had all taken place on the ice. So she figures it should do. They do their best work on the ice, after all. 

 

It’s not at all to do with the security she feels when they skate together. And it certainly has nothing to do with the closeness they share on the ice. Not in the slightest.

 

“Like one day, I woke up and realised,  _ oh, I’m in love with Scott again,  _ and I just waited for it to go away, but you kept on being  _ there,  _ you never even fucking wavered, you were always just  _ there.  _ And I thought, oh that’s okay, because we have the Olympics and I don’t know what’s going to happen after so it’s not like I’ll get to have you forever, right? But you’re still here - you’re still here and you’re still  _ you,  _ and I feel like my heart is going to burst when you look at me sometimes. I just - I love you so much, and it was killing me that you didn’t know, well of course, you knew - but not that I’m in love with you. Like fully, completely, forget my own name sometimes when you give me that stupid smile in love with you. And you deserved to know how loved you are- but I can’t lose you, Scott. I can’t lose  _ this, you,  _ you’re one of the most important people in my life, and I can’t mess that up, I just can’t.”

 

Her voice is shaking when she finishes. “You’re connected to every part of me and I don’t know what to do about it.”

 

She’s warring between meeting his gaze as she she spills her truth and looking anywhere but him. Tessa hasn’t looked at him once since she began speaking, telling his chest rather than the hazel brown eyes she’d grown up with.

 

Tessa thinks, maybe, if she doesn’t look up straight away, there’s a chance she can preserve what’s left of them now. Keep living in this perfect idyllic lifestyle with her best friend where they spend their free time together, eat dinner together, go to family gatherings as a pair ( _not a couple though_ , her mind reminds her), before she had to go and dump all this on him. Their dynamic is so important to both of them, is almost an integral part of who they are. She can’t bear to think what would become of them and their carefully cultivated friendship and working relationship if she’s shattered their precariously balanced dynamic that’s come about and finally reached somewhat of an equilibrium after years of too much push and too little pull on both sides. 

She's so beyond terrified that she's ruined them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for sticking with me! please yell @ me on twitter under the same user (@softswans), kudos & comments would also make me smile v much.


	3. i know that it's delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She has no idea what to do.
> 
> She’s just laid herself bare for him, told him in no uncertain terms she’s in love with him, and has been in just about every way possible at just about every stage possible of her life. 
> 
> And he’s definitely not receptive. At all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is definitely the one i'm most proud of. i've had the bulk of this written and conceptualised before i even had started on the first two. it's very close to my heart and i'm so happy to finally be able to post it and share it with you angels. thank you so much for sticking with me thus far, i can't even begin to tell you all how much i appreciate all the support and love and lovely comments i've received for this fic, thank each and every one of you times a thousand <333

There’s no way this is for real. He’s honestly pretty sure he’s having an out of body experience. He lets out a breath. “What the _ fuck _ .”

 

She feels her heart twist painfully in her chest at his muted reaction. It’s as if she’d been skating, one foot and then the other, constant - and then had the ice underneath her pulled out from beneath her feet and suddenly she’s lost. She’s drowning, almost. The ice, steady and constant and  _ present  _ for years is gone and she’s floating. Sinking, but not quite. She feels like she can’t breathe, although she understands logically she’s fine, telling her hammering pulse and the weight pressing down on her chest that the world isn't ending right this second isn't really working out. God, she can’t breathe.

 

“Tess, fuck - jesus, I’m sorry,” His face is tight, ashen and her heart has never felt heavier. She takes a step backwards, attempting to put some distance between them, but he bridges the gap anyway. She half anticipated it, distance always was futile with them, after all.

 

She has no idea what to do.

 

She’s just laid herself bare for him, told him in no uncertain terms she’s in love with him, and has been in just about every way possible at just about every stage possible of her life. 

 

And he’s definitely not receptive. At all.

 

_ Fuck.  _ She’s messed up, she knows she has. She can feel it in the uncertainty of his gaze, the tremor in her hands, the shock that rang through his body language. But most of all, she can feel it in the sense of loss, of emptiness that's settled in her heart. Like she’s just thrown away something she was supposed to keep safe. As if she’s lost something given to her to protect and hold tight and not leave behind. 

 

She’s shaking now, she can feel it. She thinks maybe he’s talking. She doesn't know. It’s almost as though she’s watching this happen through the eyes of a stranger. Even with all their training, mental cues and focus on  _ being present,  _ she’s never felt less grounded in her entire life. Surgeries included. Sochi included. At least then, she had a plan, a set of instructions to follow, a set path meticulously outlined for her life to follow. Have surgery. Complete rehab. Skate again. Win. Skate in tours. Have a year of yes. Flounder a bit. Win. Now, she’s just… lost. What does she do now? Is there a rulebook for when you tell your skating partner slash best friend slash longtime crush slash potential love of your life that your heart belongs to them, always has in some sense, and always will in just about every sense? It would be helpful, she muses. 

 

She’s drifting now, and of course he can tell. “Tess, hey, I’m here,” He speaks, softly now, as if not to spook her, like she hasn’t just dropped a huge heart shaped bomb in the middle of their relationship. And that’s all it takes to pause her mind in it’s downward rambling spiral and suddenly she’s here again. She takes a breath. And a second. A third.  _ Present.  _

 

Honestly, of all the things he expected to come out of Tessa Virtue’s mouth when they’d finished going over the logistics of yet another tour, her love for him (the  _ in love  _ kind too, not just the run of the mill adoration he’d been lucky enough to have been on the receiving end of for years) was definitely not on the list. Decisions about costuming, maybe. Or a movie suggestion, but definitely not  _ this.  _ And isn't it just so much more than just  _ this?  _ This is big, and life changing and huge and  _ how the fuck did he not see this coming? _

 

Tessa Virtue, the same Tessa he’s been in love with for God knows how long, the same Tessa he spends day after day with, is in love with him.  _ What the fuck. _

 

“Scott,” her voice breaks his internal tailspin, quiet and resigned. “I’m sorry,” he doesn’t think he’s ever heard her sound so crushed, except that’s not even it. Her voice is hollow, a cracked brokenness to it that breaks his heart. “Can we just, listen, I didn’t mean to-”

 

But he cuts her off, taking her hand in his, to steady himself if nothing else. Not because he doesn’t think he could bear to hear her take it all back. He doesn’t think he could take that.

 

“Tess, what the hell?” He’s just reeling, trying to think on his feet and make sense of how she’s just tipped his world upside down. Never in his pining for his skating partner did he ever consider she might just return his feelings. 

 

“For  _ so _ long, Tess, years, I’ve tried to avoid this conversation-”

 

And then she cuts him off, ripping her hand from his, active listening be damned.

 

“What the _fuck,_ Scott? Are you being serious right now?” She growls, with a finger pointed to his chest. Her eyes are hard, the emerald green sparking with a cool anger, shocked resentment pouring through her now, all traces of the earlier softness disappeared. “You could at least be kind about it, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m not _that_ repulsive, you know?” she’s absolutely burning with a white hot shame, _avoid this conversation._ Her stomach turns over at the thought of Scott pitying her all this time while she’s nursed a budding love for him while he pretended as though nothing was going on. How mortifying.

 

“Tessa, no.” And it’s the use of her full name, the two syllables that ground her again, not the firm tone of his voice or the hard, determined set of his shoulders.

 

“I was avoiding this because I didn’t think you felt the same,”  _ Obviously,  _ she huffs. “We’ve got such a good thing going, you know? And when it wasn’t so good, I didn’t want to make it worse. Tessa, you’re the most important person in my life. I didn’t want to alienate you by making you feel like an outsider in that relationship. When we came back, you asked for friendship. So I gave you that. I didn’t think you would ever, god, in a million years, ever ask for more than that. And I didn’t want to lose you. So, I never pushed. I avoided the conversation.”

 

Oh.

 

Maybe she should have just kept on listening actively. 

 

“That’s nice,” she hears herself say, her voice small, shaking.  _ God.  _ Tessa cringes in embarrassment, stumbling to correct herself when she realises how stupid that sounds.

 

“It’s more than nice, really. I mean, better than what I thought you meant,” and Scott’s grinning now, the tension between them dissipated almost completely.

 

“Just nice, eh? That’s a great one T, wait ‘til Danny and Charlie hear that one, ‘so, yeah, told Tessa I loved her, it was nice’,” He teases her, his expression soft, eyes creased in a kind of gentle laughter that Tessa thinks she’d like to look at forever.  _ Wait.  _

 

“You love me?” Because she has to ask, just to be sure.

 

Scott’s grin is megawatt now, and he takes her hand back, her pinky tucked safely in between his fingers. She finds she can’t take her eyes away from the way they’re intricately intertwined, but she’s not sure she wants to, either. “Yeah, Tess. I love you back. Of course I do. So much.”

 

Yeah. That’s definitely nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they did that !! finally !! 
> 
> i've marked this as complete, not because i don't think i'll write more, but because for now, i think i'm happy to leave them as they are (until i inevitably realise i'm not and add an epilogue).

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello i hope you made it to the bottom !! i'm feeling very anxious about posting this and challenging myself with a multichap, and especially among all the incredible fic writers in this community, but this story will not let me leave it alone. let me know what you think, comments would make me rly happy !


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